This year sucked for me.
I don't know why but I lost interest in everything. First it started off with school, my grades, people, and then it manifested into how little I started to read and before I knew it I lost motivation to do anything.
And I was completely aware of all this, and this just made me even more, hate life. I wanted to do better except I did not have this internal drive to push myself to do it. I came to realization early this year, that life as I knew it was over, those care free time are gone, instead it is and always will be replaced by stressful weeks that go by in a blur (and Liv did an amazing job explaining some of the things I mean here). Its like some dreadful cycling of days, weeks and months.
I wasn't always like this the whole entire year, there were times I would do good, but then I would just fall back to that same stupid mentality of indifference to my life, school, and friends.
Today, when I went to my AP World History review, my teacher was telling us how we should have already began to start studying for the exam. I haven't started but that is not what really scared me. What scared me was my attitude. The old me would have been going through a panic attack, which is acceptable (if not welcomed) in this particular situation, except I, was totally indifferent. Again, an example of lack of that most sought out, internal drive.
But then when I was talking to my mother tonight, she was talking about the future, and my career goals and I began to feel that hint of adrenaline, that long lost internal drive.
I've been dreaming of becoming one thing in my life, all my life. Sixteen years of my life I wanted to be this and I'm not going to give it up. Not now. I've been thinking about it for far to long, and its too late to go any other direction.
The whole point of this post is: I'm ready to start caring and I have found this drive, and I'm going to do better and I will do better.
So tonight, I will kick procrastination in the ass and finish my Geometry homework, work on my project, and go to school on Monday with a completely different attitude. Because baby, the old me is back!